When Forgiveness Feels Impossible
Have you ever struggled to forgive someone?
Yeah, me too. (And if I’m being totally honest, I might also currently be in that struggle.)
Forgiveness might just be the most challenging of all human experiences. Who among us isn’t awed by incredible stories of forgiveness: parents who forgive their child’s killer, survivors of genocide who forgive those who hunted them, accident victims who forgive the person whose actions caused irreparable damage.
Even when the injury we’ve experienced is far less severe than these examples, forgiving can feel impossible.
But the alternative does damage.
Unforgiveness can create deep, dried ruts in our lives. Understandably, those stories often begin with a painful wound, a profound hurt, or sometimes a terrible betrayal. But when we stay in the place of victim, lick our wounds, and nourish unforgiveness, we deepen the rut and cut off the possibility of allowing life-giving water to transform that pain into a river.
Valley Experiences
About a year and a half ago, I had an opportunity to look deeply at my “valley experiences.” (If you’ve followed this blog for a little while, you might recognize a parallel to “peak experiences” that I wrote about a couple of months ago.) Valley experiences are the difficult times in our lives, times when we might have experienced hurt, sadness, loss, disillusionment, or pain. These experiences usually shape how we view and live our lives.
The valley experience I chose to explore was a breakup with a former boyfriend. I realized that even though much time had passed, I was still “holding on to” that story, and in many ways, I sensed that it was holding me back from experiencing the fullness of who I was created to be.
I won’t go into all the details of the process I went through, but I will share some of the key questions and insights that were most helpful in guiding me forward. I hope these might give you a new perspective and a path forward.
(And I’ll say that if this process sounds interesting to you, or you think it might really help you to heal some of the valleys in your life, please reach out for a chat so that I can share more about it with you.)
How might I name the loss?
The loss was so much bigger than a boyfriend. We had planned for a future together, so I lost many hopes, dreams, and might-have-beens. I lost friends – as most of our circle were mutual friends, and these kinds of breakups create awkward situations with those people. I lost some beliefs about myself and about love and relationships. I lost part of my identity at that point in my life.
This question about naming the loss is critical in order to fully open up the experience. It is important to name all the losses that happen from one event. As you name the variety of losses that you experienced because of the event, you’ll then be able to ask further questions of yourself.
What needs and experiences did that loss leave unmet?
What did you believe about yourself in light of this loss?
How did you compensate for that loss?
These were important questions for me to explore, and I was surprised at the depth of awareness I was able to evoke by giving myself the time and gentleness to sit with these questions.
Whom do I need to forgive?
Oh this seemingly simple question unearthed such growth! Certainly, my ex’s name was at the top of the list. After all, he was the one who betrayed my trust and broke the relationship.
Yes. And…
As I looked back on all that happened with the benefits of time and wisdom, I could see things that I needed to forgive in myself. I was able to admit the things that I had been beating myself up for. And most importantly, I was able to redeem those ruts and turn them into rivers.
Once you can name who and what needs to be forgiven, the next natural question is “What do you need to confess and take responsibility for?” This question can move you into the present moment and offer you the power to choose.
Spending time with this question can allow you to shift from victim mode to creator mode, and craft a new interpretation of some of the stories in your life – one in which you’re empowered to take responsibility for acknowledging and honoring your own needs and values.
As I moved through the process of exploring this valley experience, I surprisingly found that it was focused less and less on my ex, and more and more on me… not in a blaming way, but in a healing, empowering way.
It did enable me to truly forgive my ex. But the transformation within me was even more powerful. And because it was so positive and helpful, it almost makes me eager to repeat the process with another valley experience of my life. Almost.
Letting God Take the Lead
OK, I can’t say I’m “eager” to dive into past hurts again, but I am feeling open to it. I’ve been letting God take the lead on letting me know when it’s time to dive back in, and I think the time is ripening.
God’s leadership in this is essential, at least in my view. You may have a different perspective on forgiveness, but the experiences I’ve had with forgiveness have taught me this:
Forgiveness is impossible – by human will alone. We cannot forgive without God’s grace and help.
Luckily, that grace is always available because God IS love. Because love is the very nature of God, God cannot do anything but extend mercy and forgiveness unconditionally. God’s help in forgiving is always available.
But we have to ask for it. Forgiveness doesn’t happen naturally in us; it requires intentionality, and it cannot happen in us unless we allow or desire it. God cannot and will not work in us and through us by force. We need to choose to open the door and invite God to begin the slow work of forgiveness.
How do we forgive?
One of my favorite quotations about love is that “Love is a decision and a commitment.” Forgiveness is a form of loving; it too is a decision and a commitment.
Forgiveness is not a feeling. It’s a choice to love beyond the evil or wrong that was done. Again, I believe this is impossible on our own. Forgiveness is an action – a repeated action that takes faithfulness and steadfastness AND reliance on God’s grace. I need to ask for a share of God’s spirit, over and over again.
If I’m not even in a place where I want to forgive, then the path to forgiveness starts with asking God to help me want to forgive.
I’ll be honest that I’ve actually taken a step further back than that… and asked God to help me even WANT to want to forgive!
In my experience, all that was needed was my persistence in asking and my openness to receiving. I began with the simple prayers above. I prayed them repeatedly. I asked God to open my heart. And slowly – very gradually - I noticed change. I noticed a softening in my heart. I noticed a desire to forgive. God took the lead; I followed.
So as I ponder the next steps of forgiveness in my life, I have realized that I’ve been waiting for healing in order to forgive. Now I’m seeing that maybe I need to forgive in order to heal.
For Your Reflection
I hope I've offered some good questions already if you're on a journey of forgiveness right now. But if you're not yet at the point where you feel open to beginning, here are some questions that might help:
What is your unforgiveness costing you?
What might forgiveness make possible?
What support (and from whom) might help you along this journey?
Remember, you don't have to go it alone. If I can help your process of healing, reach out and let's schedule a chat!
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