From Ruts to Rivers: How to Transform the Stories Keeping You Stuck
Imagine a river – flowing easily, bringing life and refreshment, and serving as a source of power.
Now imagine that river without movement, without a source and mouth. If it’s just a channel, it’s really just a rut. If water is in the rut when it’s cold, it freezes. If it gets hot, the water gets stagnant. And if it stays that way for a long time, that water eventually dries up.
Sometimes parts of our lives can be like the water in that rut, and leave us stuck, frozen, stagnant, or maybe even dried up. Whether it’s a career that feels more like a grind, relationships that drain us, or even negativity in our internal dialogue, we can often find ourselves trapped in what I call "rut stories."
These rut stories might be about things going on in our lives today. They could also be about events from our past. No matter the origin, they certainly stand in stark contrast to “river stories” – narratives about things in our life that bring us energy, life, and purpose.
But here's the thing: we don’t have to stay stuck in our rut stories. With some introspection and action, we can turn those rut stories into river stories.
What Are Rut Stories?
Rut stories are the tales we tell ourselves that keep us in place, often without us even realizing it. They’re the familiar, comfortable, yet unproductive narratives that reinforce negative thoughts or limit our growth. These stories are often characterized by black-and-white thinking, unrealistic expectations, or an overwhelming sense of helplessness. It’s the voice in your head that says, “I’m stuck, and there’s no way out.”
Remember, rut stories are like stagnant water—over time, they become stale, possibly even toxic, and fail to nourish anything around them. You might recognize them in the way you talk about your life or your circumstances. Maybe you’ve said things like:
“This is just the way it is.”
“I can’t change; it’s too late for me.”
“If only things were different…”
Sound familiar?
I’ll give you one of mine as an example: “I lost my job.” If I’m being really honest, when I’m especially stuck in my rut, it might even sound more like this: “They cut my job.”
From Victim to Creator: Changing the Narrative
The first step in moving out of a rut is recognizing that your story isn’t fixed. It’s just one interpretation of events. And, more importantly, it can be re-written with a different interpretation. So, how do we go from telling ourselves rut stories to creating river stories—those life-giving, empowering narratives that help us move forward?
It starts with shifting our mindset from that of a victim to a creator.
Victim thinking is all about focusing on what’s wrong, on the obstacles, and on the unfairness of life. It’s problem-oriented and tends to leave us feeling powerless. On the other hand, a creator mindset is solution-oriented. It asks questions like, “What can I do about this?” and “What’s one small step I can take to improve things?”
Think of it this way: instead of waiting for someone to rescue you from your rut (which often doesn’t happen), you can become the creator of your own experience. You have the power to write a new story, one where you’re actively participating in your own growth and success.
The Power of the TED Model
The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) from David Emerald provides a helpful framework for this transformation. Instead of the dreaded drama triangle—where we find ourselves caught as victims, persecutors, or rescuers—we shift into roles that encourage growth and resilience. Here’s how:
1. Creator vs. Victim: The creator is proactive, while the victim feels stuck. To become the creator of your story, start by asking yourself, "What can I create from this situation?" It could be a new mindset, a new opportunity, or even a new relationship.
2. Challenger vs. Persecutor: The challenger is not there to criticize or tear down but to help you grow. They ask the tough but empowering questions, the ones that push you to see your situation differently. A challenger might ask, "What is this situation trying to teach you?" or "What needs to change for you to move forward?"
3. Coach vs. Rescuer: A coach asks clarifying questions and helps you take actionable steps toward your goals. Unlike a rescuer, who swoops in to save the day, a coach encourages you to save yourself by guiding you toward self-discovery and empowerment.
Naming Your Rut Story
The process of transforming a rut story into a river story starts with naming it. Take a moment to think about a current rut story you’re telling yourself. Maybe it’s about your job, a relationship, or even your own self-worth. Write it down.
Ask yourself:
What emotions come up when I tell this story?
How do I feel in my body? Do I feel heavy, tired, or defeated?
What thoughts are on repeat when I tell this story?
Once you’ve named your rut story, it’s time to get curious. What’s the benefit of staying in this rut? Yes, you read that right—there’s often a hidden payoff for staying stuck. Maybe it’s familiarity or the comfort of not having to take risks. Or perhaps it’s avoiding the fear of failure or rejection. Whatever it is, recognizing this benefit can be the key to unlocking your ability to move forward.
When I got curious about my rut story about losing my job, I recognized that the payoff for me was receiving sympathy from others and having them join me in heaping blame on those responsible.
Turning Rut Stories Into River Stories
Now that you’ve named your rut story and recognized the benefits (and costs) of staying there, it’s time to rewrite it. This isn’t just about slapping on a positive spin—real transformation goes deeper than that. It’s about looking at your story through the lens of a creator, not a victim.
Here are some steps to help you get started:
1. Practice Gratitude: In the midst of a rut, it can be hard to see the good. But even small moments of gratitude can shift your mindset. Start by identifying one thing you’re grateful for, even if it feels insignificant. Gratitude is the first step in creating a river story because it helps you focus on what’s possible, rather than what’s wrong.
2. Invite Guidance: No one transforms their stories alone. Invite people into your life who can play the role of coach or challenger. These are the people who will ask you the tough questions and help you see a new way forward. Whether it’s a trusted friend, a mentor, or a professional, community plays a crucial role in rewriting our stories.
3. Take Baby Steps: You don’t have to rewrite your story overnight. In fact, real transformation often happens one small step at a time. Ask yourself, “What’s one small change of thought that I can believe?” We don’t change from thinking something is terrible to believing that it’s wonderful in one fell swoop. It’s a gradual process of shifting one small belief at a time.
4. Reflect on Learning: As you take action, make time to reflect on what you’re learning. What’s working? What’s not? What new insights have you gained? This reflection helps you stay in a creator mindset, focused on progress rather than perfection.
5. Focus on Outcomes, Not Problems: It’s easy to stay fixated on the problem, but a creator mindset focuses on solutions. What outcome are you working toward? Keep your eyes on the bigger picture, even when the day-to-day feels challenging.
Let the Author Help
If faith is an important part of your life, I suggest that you invite God or a trusted faith companion into this process with you. After all, God is truly the author of our life story, so it can be helpful to ask God to show us other interpretations of what we’ve experienced.
Perhaps not all rut stories need the light of faith to help them be transformed. But that was definitely an important step to help me finally shift out of victim mode.
Through prayer, I was able to acknowledge that the rut story I’d been telling was really only one interpretation of what had happened. I began to see a bigger picture. I remembered that I’d been praying for months for God’s guidance and help to keep going in what was becoming a very challenging job situation. I had even asked God to make it very clear to me if God’s will was for me to leave! As I remembered these moments and listened to God’s wisdom in prayer, what had become a deeply engrained, painful rut story about loss in my life was transformed into a river story about God’s providence.
The River of Transformation
Transforming your rut stories into river stories won’t happen overnight. It’s a process, one that requires patience, grace, and persistence. But as you begin to rewrite your stories, you’ll notice a shift in how you experience life. Suddenly, things don’t feel quite as stuck. There’s movement, flow, and growth—just like a river.
So, what’s one rut story you’re ready to transform? Start small, invite the help of others, and remember—you are the creator of your own story. With each new step, you’re moving closer to a life that flows with purpose, energy, and joy.
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