Clear is Kind… and Often Hard

I don’t know about you, but there are certain quotations that pop to mind frequently to help me find – or take - the next right step.  I have Brené Brown to thank for one of those anchors:  “Clear is kind.  Unclear is unkind.”  It’s true that Brene is the author of countless more gems of wisdom and inspiration, but these six words are meaty enough to warrant a whole blog on their own!

I’ve been affirmed by this advice, encouraged by it, challenged by it, and yes, even shamed by it.  Clear is kind.  It’s been a valuable lesson for life and for leadership, and it’s one that I thought you might appreciate, too.

In Affirmation

I once had a supervisor who ended each of our one-on-one meetings with, “You’re doing a great job.”  Not once did that statement ever bring a smile to my face or encouragement to my heart.  It was a blanket statement, a generic compliment.  Because it wasn’t clear or specific, it wasn’t helpful for me as an emerging leader.  She might have offered it genuinely, but it was meaningless to me. 

Compare that to an affirmation given to me by a mentor in 2009:  “Kathy, you have a real gift to take complex things and make them easily understandable.”  The fact that I still remember that exact comment fourteen years later attests to how meaningful it was for me.  It was very specific, very clear.  And clear is kind.  Certainly, the person who offered this affirmation was one of the kindest people I’ve ever known, but one of the most powerful ways he showed his kindness to me was by being clear in his affirmation and helping me to acknowledge a skill I had.

What was a clear affirmation that you’ve received?  In what ways was that kind for you?

When you appreciate someone (or something they do), how can you be clear about what you appreciate (and why)?

In Expectations

I’ve had the privilege to lead a few team sessions lately, and I’ve used an activity that invites people to share with their team their responses to a few prompts.  The first prompt is “You get the best of me when…”  It’s been striking to me how often I hear people respond to this prompt with “when you give me clear expectations.”

Clear expectations are kind.  Especially when people will be held accountable to those expectations.  Holding people accountable to fuzzy or hidden expectations is unkind. 

I tried to remember this guideline and follow it as a manager.  It was challenging to apply it correctly, and to be clear about the expected outcome instead of being clear about how to achieve that outcome.  The first is good management.  The latter is often micro-management. 

How do you respond to unclear expectations?

When leading others, how can you be clearer about the expectations for their performance or outcomes?

In Hard Conversations

Let’s just be honest.  Hard conversations suck.  Whether it’s sharing negative feedback with an employee or naming some difficulties in a relationship with a loved one, it can be REALLY tempting to avoid the situation altogether.  But clear is kind.

It’s unkind to let an employee perform badly and not be honest with them.  It’s unkind to be in a relationship with someone and hold back your heart because of unaddressed issues.  It’s unkind and unfair – to both parties. 

I’ll let Brene bring the clarity here:

“Feeding people half-truths or bull$h!+ to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind.  Not getting clear with a colleague about your expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind.  Talking about people rather than to them is unkind.” (Dare to Lead)

Amen?  Or ouch?

And I think it’s worth bringing in another “very Brene” word/concept here:  empathy.  Clear is kind.  And we can be clear and empathetic at the same time.  Clear might be kind, but it can be delivered unkindly.  It doesn’t have to be.  Whenever I’ve needed to lean into a hard conversation, I remind myself to be clear, AND to be kind.

When was a time someone shared hard, but clear, feedback with you?  How did you respond?

What is a situation in your life right now that challenges you to be clear and kind in a hard conversation?

In Boundaries

“Clear is kind” does not just apply to what we say, the words we use, the conversations we choose to have.  It can apply to things like the boundaries we set.  Clear boundaries are also kind – perhaps to others, but definitely to ourselves.

Case in point:  I had today blocked off for writing.  It was a time-boundary I’d set to keep myself focused and productive.  Yet I allowed that boundary to get broken, and I lost an hour of my best time of day.  Why?  In an effort to be “kind” (read:  accommodating to others’ schedules), I was, in effect, unkind to myself.  The work still needs to be done, so losing the time earlier will only increase my stress and likely pressure me to extend my working time later, into time blocks that I’d set aside for other things. 

Setting and enforcing clear boundaries – whether it’s about time, relationships, or responsibilities – is being kind to ourselves.  How would our lives be different if we extended the same kindness to ourselves that we try to extend to others?

What is a boundary you’ve set for yourself?  How is it kind for you?

What boundary might you need to set or better enforce in your life?

As I mentioned in the beginning, “Clear is kind” is a reminder I try to bring with me in life and leadership.  It’s a work in progress and always will be.  And it’s easier done in a supportive community.  So if this resonates with you, post a comment (or hit the button to send me an email) and let me know where “clear is kind” hits home for you!