8 Tips to Care for Yourself when Caring for Others – Part 2
November is National Family Caregivers Month. I’m willing to bet that you’re either in that role, have been in that role in the past, or know someone (a close friend or family member) who is in that role now. Family caregivers are unsung heroes – but they need care too in order to continue their devoted, compassionate service.
Last week, I shared the first four tips for caring for yourself when tasked with the responsibilities of family caregiving. As a recap, they were:
1. Honor your own needs.
2. Play to your strengths.
3. Name your focus.
4. Take mini-breaks.
Before I share the next four tips, we need to talk about something important.
Asking for Help
The tips I shared last week only required your own personal introspection and resources. This week I’ll offer four more suggestions, many of which may require outside help.
Sometimes we’re reluctant to acknowledge our limits and ask for help. In the stress of caregiving, we can trick ourselves into believing that it’s only up to us and that there is no one to help us. Those are typically false beliefs, and when they come to mind, we need to challenge them and ask ourselves, “Is that really true?”
If you need help identifying or overcoming your false or limiting beliefs and assumptions, please reach out! You don’t have to believe everything you think (no matter how loud that voice in your head is sometimes!), and I’m happy to help you find a different perspective that opens new possibilities for you to find support through the process of caregiving.
8 Tips for Caregivers – Part 2
Now, without further ado, here are the next four tips for caring for yourself while you’re caring for others.
5. Take longer breaks.
Mini-breaks are good (minutes or hours). But every once in a while it can be very helpful to have a longer break (e.g. days). Admittedly, this is challenging. It typically requires utilizing outside resources – either professional help or other family and friends who can step in to offer you some much-needed respite. (See Tip #6.)
The benefit of a longer break is that our bodies, minds, and spirits can be more deeply nourished to give us renewed strength for when we return.
Again - what you do, where you go, and how you rest are entirely up to you, and will largely depend on your life circumstances, your needs, and your strengths. It’s not necessary to spend a lot of money or find a “perfect place” or activity. What’s important is setting down the role of caregiver for a longer time and allowing space for yourself and your other roles and priorities.
6. Create a support network.
Family caregivers can’t do it alone. They need support – from other family members, friends, and professional organizations.
Who are the people you can call in case of an emergency at 3:00 AM?
Who are the people who will listen without judgment when you just need to scream and/or cry?
Who will bring a meal or meet you for coffee when you take a mini-break?
Who will step in to give you a longer break?
Whether it’s leveraging help from family members, close friends, neighbors, or a caregiving support group, I’m convinced that no one has to navigate the challenges of family caregiving alone. However, accessing the help that’s available does require us to be honest and vulnerable and ask for the help we need.
It can be tempting to sit back and wait to see if someone will offer to help. (I know, I’ve done this.) It feels risky and uncomfortable to take the initiative, reach out, and ask for something. Let’s face it - it IS risky and uncomfortable. But our friends and other family members aren’t mind readers. They most likely would love to help; they just aren’t sure how. And if you’re anything like me, you present a good front, so they probably think you’ve got it all under control and are handling things just fine. I’d encourage you to embrace humility, believe in their generosity, and reach out to ask for what you need.
Also, don’t overlook the value of caregiver support groups. Sure, it’s “one more thing on the schedule.” But it just might be the lifeline that you need. Think about it: everyone in that group knows what it’s like to be a family caregiver. They get it and they won’t judge. If you need a place to be seen, heard, and deeply understood, a caregiving support group might be just what you need.
And last, don’t forget that a support network can include paid help if you have the financial resources. Which leads me to tip #7…
7. Use resources and experts.
One piece of good news in the landscape of family caregiving is that there is a robust (and growing) industry – both for-profit and not-for-profit – that can provide resources and expertise to help along the journey.
There are organizations dedicated to particular diagnoses (e.g., Alzheimer's Association, Autism Speaks, etc.).
There are agencies that can provide care (e.g., Senior Helpers, Home Instead, Hospice, etc.).
There are professionals who can help you navigate the technical sides of caregiving (legal questions, financial concerns, health insurance coverage, Medicare/Medicaid qualifications, etc.).
When caring for my dad and my great-aunt, we utilized all of these kinds of services. Sometimes, that meant taking advantage of free resources (hotlines, blogs, or videos). Sometimes, we invested in paid services. We weren’t afraid to admit where our knowledge and capacity reached their limits, and we sought out partners to come alongside for support and expertise.
8. Name the process as part of grieving and loss.
Sometimes caregiving ends with the death of our loved one. But sometimes it doesn’t. Perhaps you are caring for a child or relative with a disability who will live for many more years, maybe even beyond your own life expectancy. Whether the process of caregiving leads to the death of your loved one or not, I think it can be helpful to see it as part of grieving and processing loss.
If a person’s condition declines during the caregiving, each step is an experience of loss – for that loved one and for you. Their abilities (physical and/or mental) are diminished, and with every diminishment, there can be sadness and grief for the loss of who they once were.
Even while your loved one is alive, they may not be able to do certain things or attend particular events (e.g., attend a family member’s wedding, hold a great-grandchild), and you may experience grief at the loss of an imagined or hoped-for event. We grieve the things that cannot or can no longer be, even while our loved one is still alive.
Naming these experiences as part of a grieving process doesn’t change the reality or take away the pain. But it can provide a perspective that helps us acknowledge and validate our feelings.
Grief is not just a process that begins with physical death. There are “mini-deaths” throughout a process of diminishing health that spark our grief. Seeking help with this grief through support groups or therapy may be advisable, even while your loved one is alive.
There is no shame in “early grief.” Grief is typically proportionate to the love that is shared. Grieving early and grieving deeply are not weaknesses to be fixed. They are signs of deep love and processes to be worked through.
Your take
So there you have it: 8 strategies for navigating the waters of family caregiving.
What resonates with your experience?
What’s most helpful for you?
What would you add?
I’d love to hear your take on this, and add your suggestions into the mix.
And one last note: Remember that I said that this issue of caregiving has been coming up a lot with friends and clients. Sometimes, coaching is exactly the kind of self-care that a person needs to travel this road and keep their sanity and integrity. If I can walk alongside you to offer some perspective and help you implement any of these strategies, please don’t hesitate to be in touch.
If you’re serving as a family caregiver, take heart, take a breath, and take encouragement knowing that you’re not alone.
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